The obvious answer is to ask him to pick up the slack when I want to go do something %26amp; in turn let him get out too. He says he is too uncomfortable and won't know what to do while I'm gone. At the same time he doesn't want to learn how to fix a bottle, etc. He says he has never been comfortable around babies but he feels sure he will be more comfortable with them when they are older. In the meantime I'm so tired I collapse in bed each night with no quality of life. Babysitters are not an option I'm comfortable with. I do have some family who could sit with them and let me get out but it makes me resent him for not being willing to try to parent.How to get husband to ';plug in'; to parenting?
I am a dad. My wife has been a stay at home mom for our 9 yr. old daughter's entire life. I have also done a lot of the parenting- every evening and on weekends. My wife usually takes off in the evening.
I'm sorry you never get a break. It sounds like you really need one.
First of all, you need to take care of yourself- 3 years sleep-deprived is not good for you or your children or husband. It just makes you cranky. So, get some sleep, eat healthy food and exercise. It's the oxygen mask approach to parenting. Putting your mask on first on the airplane then allows you to assist others. You can only take care of others if you take care of yourself.
Second, use family to babysit. Many men are uncomfortable around babies and don't know what to do and feel that they might do something wrong and hurt them. Many women also make men feel that way by either taking over, criticizing the man, or acting as if he is stupid. If you criticize his parenting or just take over, then he won't want to take care of the children.
I always preferred taking care of our daughter when my wife wasn't around. It felt like a relief not to have her hovering and checking up on us.
Also, learn to become comfortable with a babysitter. Are you saying that there is absolutely no one who could do a reasonable job taking care of your children? No wonder you are so burnt-out. Find someone good to watch the kids and go out with your husband. He is probably missing the good times you two had as a couple pre-kids. He might even be jealous of the children since they get all of your attention and you are not as affectionate to him as you used to be.
You say your husband works a stressful job. He is probably looking for some relaxation when he gets home. Instead, he gets greeted by a stressed-out mom and 2 screaming kids. This is when some husbands start stopping at a bar before coming home so they can relax because they know that home is too stressful and they never have the chance to relax. Be glad he isn't coming home drunk.
I know you don't want to hear this, but instead of blaming your husband, you need to: 1. take care of your own health. 2. encourage your husband. 3. get a sitter a couple of nights/week.
Best wishes to you and your family.How to get husband to ';plug in'; to parenting?
Wow, the fact that he is ';uncomfortable'; around babies would've been nice to know before you had some with him, huh?
I think you ought to have a serious discussion with him about this. If he really is totally unwilling to make any effort, and you are resenting him for it, I would suggest you get some marriage counseling to resolve the situation.
Parenting two small children is not a job for one person! Don't let him make you do it alone.
Honey, you can't let your husband keep on with this.
If he has a stressful job, and you stay at home, yes, I think he an expect you to do most of the child-watching (note I didn't say ';child raising'; or ';babysitting';-- it used to drive me nuts when my husband told me he'd ';babysit'; our son if I needed to go out without him!!!)... but you're missing out on a vital part of your life, and so is he!!
My husband was head injured and although he loves children he felt very insecure with our son until he was old enoguh to walk and talk on his own and thus make his own demands and needs clear. Because of our situation I had to go back to work when my son was 7 months old, and my husband was a nervous wreck about it. Our answer was to have a person at the house when I wasn't there, to do the main ';parenting'; but to make sure my hub was always around, absorbing, and being able to take a chance on changing a diaper or feeding him when he wanted to without worrying about what would happen if he ';got it wrong';.
Your husband, by being allowed to stay at arm's length, is missing out on such a wonderfu bonding time with his children. Try spending time with him actually parenting-- involve him ';incidentally'; (';Oh-- I forgot the towel. Dear, would you hold little Sally for a minute? I have to run into the nursery. Won't be a jif!';). Don't leave him on his own. Give him a MADE bottle, so he gets comfortable feeding. Leave prepared bottles with written instructions on them when you finally get to the stage that he's on his own.
You need time on your own, and I know exactly how you feel. No time for yourself will eventually equal a bad mum. When the children are asleep, tell your husband you need time on your own-- and disappear into the bath. You need to let go of your children long enough to trust someone else and get your own identity back. And your husband needs to accept this.
Accept the family help, though. Don't force your husband into doing things because then you will resent him not being perfect at it, and he wil lresent doing it because ';he told you so';. Express your concern that he's missing out and that YOU need him, and work from there. It's a slow process, and some people really AREN'T comfortable with babies, but you have to get him to make a real effort-- ';I'm not comfortable'; ain't good enough.
Most important-- don't ';dump'; the kids on him when he first walks in the door at night. Although you've been working all day, and he's been working all day, if you do that you're in essence saying, ';Now that you're home from work-- go do THIS job!'; Most men won't appreciate that, and you may find him more resistant. Try a gentle transition.
ur husband has not had to parent for over 3 years because u have not allowed him to. instead it has been easier for u to excuse him and to be a walking zombie, all the while degrading the work u do 24/7. why should he be the one who can relax after his stressful job and not u? why should u continue to be his wife and sex object when he cannot be a husband and care for u? Is his role only to bring home the bacon?
u don't like urself that is for sure, thats why u can live with such behavior. if u went out tomorrow it wd make no difference coz am sure ud either go with the kids or ensure all bottles were filled and food cooked before u left him alone. even then am sure ud be gone only 10 minutes. he's an adult and he needs to bear his responsibilities or else deny him the previledges that go along with marriage.
whats wrong with having a sitter so that u can go out and take care of urself and come back a saner happier mum? u any good for ur kids stressed out?
I think you'll need to do some re training with your husband...U have obviously let him get away with it 4 a long while so it might just be that u will need 2 gradually get him 2 do extra things with the children until he does it willingly without having 2 be asked. I trained my husband from day 1 and I'm glad I did cos when the twins came along there's no way I could have done it on my own. Good luck!!
So sorry to hear that you are having to do so much on your own. I'm sure you are very tired and need help. Can you have a sitter there with your husband if you don't feel comfortable with. He may want to handle the kids if you are not there and he sees someone else (a total stranger) handling and interacting with the kids. The most important thing is that you get some rest and not feel overwhelmed even if it means your husaband has to bite the bullet and be ';uncomfortable';. Taking care of infants is hard and isolating and it is important that you feel relaxed, get a break, and feel supported. There is a reason it takes two to make a baby!
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